There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
