I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
