They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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