sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
