While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
