i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
