We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
