Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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