I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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