Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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