Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
