I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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