Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
