Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
