I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
