My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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