I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize