I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
