I faked an abortion last night.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
