i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
