You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize