i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize