He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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