He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
