i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
