Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We need to get me chipped asap
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize