Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
