dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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