The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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