you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
