Where did you get a picture of my penis
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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