Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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