Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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