The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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