i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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