Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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