I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
