Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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