He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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