my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
