Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
