mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
