i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
