The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
