I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
