so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize