Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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