Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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