He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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