She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
look no pants
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
