wanna go halves on a baby?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
