Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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