We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
