i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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