Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
