So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
