I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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