I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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