I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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