I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
