i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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