Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
