Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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