Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
