my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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