Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
