my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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